Dear Benevolent Editor,
Frederica Fitzgerald is a pretty typical American teenager- well, actually, she would be if more kids her age had a self-centered ancient god for a parent and a massive crush on the immortal heir of the Underworld- you know the Greek one with the dog?
“Frederica and the Heir to the Underworld” is a young adult urban fantasy set in the breezy sunshine of a SoCal spring and the fog-laden gloom of the Underworld. The novel is complete at 75K words.
Things are going just fine in Freddy’s average little life until the week before her sweet sixteen when she’s nearly run over by a tall, dark dreamboat on a big white horse. Freddy can deal with the running over part- no harm done. It’s the rider- Mr. Sex Bomb himself- who turns out to be the real problem. From the moment he helps her butt up from the asphalt, Freddy’s got it bad for Polydegmon- and that’s not good. Freddy can get over his weird name (what kind of sadistic parents name their kid Polydegmon anyway?) and the way he dresses isn’t quite a deal-breaker (dude, togas went out of style like two centuries ago). No, Freddy’s real problem is that Polydegmon is as mysterious as he is good-looking, and wherever he goes trouble seems to follow.
To complicate everything even worse (which is just what she needs) suddenly Freddy’s long lost and not so dear old dad, Cernunnos the Lord of the Hunt himself, drops back into the picture for the first time in a decade. Cernunnos needs his daughter back, and he doesn’t care about nitpicky things like school, friends, or ripping Freddy away from anything she’s ever cared about. When Daddy-dearest carries Freddy off to his otherworldly realm it falls to Polydegmon to help her escape and stop all these stupid supernatural shenanigans from ruining both their lives.
Sincerely,
Moth McMothy
posted by Elektra @ 8:09 AM
4 Comments:
This reads nice and perkily to me; maybe a little much at times, but I'd imagine that's a question of taste. Some bits might be trimmable - like that first paragraph ('well, actually, she would be' etc. - could be shortened).
I wonder about some of the vocab, though. Do American teenagers still use terms like 'dreamboat' and 'sex bomb'?
Most of the time, you are going to want to write a query letter (which I assume this is) to an agent, NOT an editor directly. If you do this you will be most likely form-lettered.
The first sentence is rambling. Good concept, but fix the syntax and diction and actually hook us with your hook.
As for the short synopsis: It is, as mckoala said, perky, and the concept sounds good. The writing needs to be more clear, however. I had to reread to make sure I had the details right. I want to read the book, but not if it was difficult to read the synopsis.
Also, add some sort of closing statement before your signature.
This is too long. Your hook is great, but two graphs is really long. Cut it down to one, keeping your essentials like the fun descriptions of Polydegmon. Then drop in the bit about old dad and what he wants from her. Holding it to one graph will help tone down the ultra-chatty factor.
Last graph, mention the title, word count, genre and that it's FINISHED. Then say something about yourself and thank them for their consideration. (Not: this is my first novel, but during the day I work as a..., my degree is in... something.)
Also, togas went out of style waaay more than two centuries ago.
This looks clever and original. Daughter of a god--awesome hook. Good luck!
Here's a revised version if anyone has thoughts.
Dear Benevolent Editor,
The week before Frederica Fitzgerald's sweet sixteen she’s nearly run over by a tall, dark dreamboat on a big white horse. Freddy can deal with the running over part- no harm done. The problem is the rider, Mr. Sex Bomb himself: Polydegmon, son of Hades and heir to the Greek Underworld.
Freddy can get over his weird name (what kind of sadistic parents name their kid Polydegmon anyway?) and the way he dresses isn’t quite a deal-breaker (dude, togas went out of style a couple thousand years ago). No, Freddy’s real problem is that Polydegmon is as mysterious as he is good-looking, and wherever he goes trouble seems to follow: rabid dogs suddenly running around the suburbs, insane crows trying to peck Freddy and her friends to death at the local burger joint and, worst of all, the Wild Hunt trolling Freddy’s hometown for their next bit of human game.
Among these ongoing disasters, Freddy’s long lost and not so dear old dad- Cernunnos, the God of the Hunt- himself suddenly drops back into the picture for the first time in a decade. Cernunnos is planning an alliance with the Greeks. He needs his daughter to become the happy new wife of Polydegmon’s brother and seal a peace deal with the Greek pantheon. Cernunnos doesn’t care about nitpicky things like school or friends, and he has no compunction at all about ripping Freddy away from her distraught mother and stepfather. When Daddy-dearest carries Freddy off to his otherworldly realm it falls to Polydegmon to help her escape, even if it means risking his own disinheritance and even if saving her means losing each other.
“Frederica and the Heir to the Underworld” is a young adult contemporary fantasy set in the breezy sunshine of a SoCal spring and the fog-laden gloom of the Underworld. The novel is complete at 75K words. A SASE for your reply has been included, and I look forward to sending you the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Sincerely,
Moth
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