Dear august agent/editor,
A young man steps off a boat. A year later a city dies.
I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel, “The Kings in the Shadows.” It is complete at 150,000 words.
Eager to escape the boredom of his bucolic home, Kincit travels to Zakarmos to make a new life for himself. Idealistic and outgoing, he makes friends easily. His innocence is shattered when he runs afoul of a murderous cult. He is shocked by the cruelty he witnesses and troubled that the townspeople are indifferent to it. Kincit and his friends make enemies of the cult when they rescue an infant about to be sacrificed by its own mother.
Their struggle leads them deep into the intrigues of the lords of Zakarmos and rival sects. They confront a noble allied to the cult and have no choice but to kill him. His death unleashes a civil war as other lords rush to fill the power vacuum. As chaos envelopes the city, Kincit and his companions are summoned by the King and brought to a cavern deep the city. There they face the remnants of the city’s original inhabitants, reduced to shadows over the centuries. The ancient beings are bent on destroying the city to cleanse it of its chaos.
I have been writing steadily for over ten years. I have written short stories and humorous essays for a local newspaper and the “Webzine Name” webzine.
Enclosed is an SASE. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Rudiger Aloysius Martel
posted by Elektra @ 6:04 PM
4 Comments:
Hello author,
interesting idea. opening drew me in, but you could do better. 150K is kind of long but it depends on the agent (100K is usually the upper limit but once again it's just a number). the two paragraphs explaining the plot need some spice, or zippier sentences: this may be difficult if the subject matter is serious-I have the same problem. But do try. that last sentence about cleansing could be phrased in a more interesting way so that it draws in the agent, so she/he is more interested about how the cleansing happens. also, I thought there were a couple cliches, like "innocence is shattered" and "runs afoul of a..."
please keep in mind this is just an opinion, everyone has one, and I am just an aspiring writer.
I think that opening line is terrific; it raises so many questions and ideas that it totally sucks the reader in.
The two story paragraphs contain some interesting ideas, but I think they could be snappier and more specific. For example, you could think about summarising the first few sentences, but trying to introduce more of the detail that differentiates your world: e.g. 'Idealistic country boy, Kincit, loves the city of Zakarmos at first sight. First sight can be deceptive, however, and behind the marble pillars and rose-scented shrines lurks a murderous cult.' Things like 'the cruelty he witnesses' are much less effective than the example of an infant being sacrificed by its own mother - that 's a truly horrifying detail. Other vaguenesses include: 'troubled', 'indifferent to it' and his 'friends' - who are they? You may not even need to mention them in the query at all. Similarly 'the cult' - it seems to lack a face. I think the query overall would benefit from more concrete detail.
Not 'envelopes', but 'envelops', by the way.
I think the closing paras are polite and neat, but you may need to mention the name of the local paper.
Good opening line, agreed. I think you're trying to make your query letter into a story synopsis, explaining every part of the plot. The problem is, it leaves too many questions unanswered, and unhooked. Why do they confront a noble and why do they have no choice to kill him? What kind of chaos is enveloping the city? Why are they summoned by the king? These are dangling questions that don't draw me in, but make the story feel disjointed. I liked the first paragraph more, as it shows the personal conflict your character has to deal with, while the second gets more detached.
And while I admire your dedication to writing, I personally wouldn't mention how long I've been writing unless I'd actually been active in a novel-published career for all that time. Talk about what you have got published, but don't stick a timeframe to it.
Just my two shiny bits.
I love the first 2 paragraphs! I'd remove the "I have been writing steadily" paragraph as extraneous. And the middle 2 paras do need a bit more zip--it reads like a (yawn) story I've read at least fifteen times before, when I'm sure it's better than that.
Perhaps look for the crisis, not the events; the emotional pivot points, not the plot pivot points? I mean, fighting "ancient beings bent on destroying a city to cleans it of its chaos" is a bit flat.
Post a Comment
<< Home