Query
Hello everyone,
Before you sink your claws into my query, some points to keep in mind:
The plot is complicated, which means I have to explain quite a bit so that people will understand what is happening. But when I explain things I get the complaint that “there’s too much backstory.” Is there a way around this? If you know a better way to phrase the idea, do let me know.
Are the words “subspecies” and “variant” too technical? Please tell me what you think it means.
As far as the names of the characters—I know some of them are downright silly, I’m still working on that. The title as well.
JJdeBenedictis hooked Eleanor Wood at Spectrum! That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a while. If you didn’t know, go to OxyJen and check it out… heck I am sure you all know. Gives me hope. Here’s my query:
Dear Agent,
“Faithless” is my 100,000-word space opera set in the 70th century, in human-inhabited systems several light years from Earth.
Captain Ilana knew there was a problem the moment she realized she was the only one identifying with the humanoid aliens—the Cyon—that were attacking the empire’s outposts. It’s not like she needs a new problem (who does). Corrupted by emperor Xim’s trap of money, power and fame—the two of them being the only existing members of a rare human variant species called the Voth—she’s trying to clean up her life. Not helping is the fact that there’s no one to help her solve this mystery: parents are dead, friends are fair-weather, and her peers—the senior military crew—are too jealous of her success to help, especially after she and Xim become lovers.
Things get worse when she decrypts an alien script with a chilling message that informs her that she and Xim are resurrected beings, the only remainders of the Voth that once enslaved the Cyon centuries ago and several light years away… and that the Cyon are now hunting them. Ilana is still reeling with the shock of discovering her real identity when she finds out that she has a daughter with Xim from an abortion, whom he has hidden from her in order to ensure a true Voth heir to his empire—when she never wanted a child with him. Now she must make a choice: stay and assist him—and humanity—against the impending Cyon attack, or escape from him and rescue her daughter from his clutches while evading the marauding Cyon.
Here are the first few pages. The story opens in a city on planet Nuo, where a carefree, eighteen-year-old Ilana is enjoying life as a civilian before she is first picked up by the empire:
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely yours,
Author.
posted by Elektra @ 9:43 AM
6 Comments:
she has a daughter with Xim from an abortion
She what?
I, too, have an insanely complicated SF setting, and I was having big problems with my pitch because of it.
I found one thing that helps is to just get rid of almost everything. It's quite possible. For this pitch, it's not a resurrected Voth with problems, it's just Ilana. It's not a political heir implanted with a blorking tool into someone's cavity, it's a little child in Ilana's womb.
The writer should rewrite the pitch and try to frame Ilana's problems in human terms: she's carrying a secret, she's carrying a baby, she's carrying ancestral guilt. The guilt / genecode is the motivation for the evil Cyons (need new name!) to invade her boyfriend's Empire, and when they catch her they will x, y, z -- suddenly she has to protect not just herself and the guy she loves/hates, but her child is a target too. She didn't even want the child and now she's worried for its fate if the Cyons catch her... etc. We're getting into some good pathos now!
I like the writer's comfort with language ("friends are fair-weather"), and I love the scale and ambition of the story. This looks like a fun project... but the pitch reads like version #5 out of 80. There is some fun work ahead for this writer, and I can't wait to see the next vers.
Well, to be completely honest, I was throughly confused, which isn't surprising when you're trying to cram 100K words of plot into a few hundred. I know your pain.
Some of the very helpful feedback I received here (and I agree with) taught me that you really don't want to go into your synopsis in your cover sheet, you want to get into the fundamental crux of the story. Save the synopsis for the synopsis page.
In this case, it seems that the heart of the story is that Ilana is finds out that she's not who she thought she was, and she's being hunted for it. You need some more detail about the story, of course, but that should be the focus of the letter. I don't think you need to name anyone or anything other than Ilana. I think that all you need to communicate is that she thought she was just a regular schmoe, and now she's going steady with the the emperor while being hunted by aliens. But, you know, say it all compelling-like.
Thanks guys, the comments help. perspective is everything. and, 150, about the child from the abortion-the fetus is taken from the mother in the abortion process and grown to term in vitro (which is entirely possible, we're just not there yet).
let me try to rewrite this. oh god, I can already feel the pain. it's like birthing isn't it. I guess this is as close as I'll get to having a kid.
Wait until you try to write the synopsis. Then the pain really starts.
Pretty much agreeing with the above, but gotta pause to say...wafla! How are you? Please come by my blog and say hi.
To me the first para could become a single sentence, setting the scene of the loneliness of being one of only two survivors of a lost race and the almost-unwanted love affair. I don't think you need the rest and the first sentence of para two could be reduced to the fact that she and Xim are being hunted, because the resurrection thing raises an awful lot of questions. The daughter/abortion does need to be explained briefly, because it seems so impossible to us - and why does she not want a child? Does she want her own race to end? Also, surely he would also want to save their daughter, so isn't she safe where she is for now while Ilana deals with the Cyon? I think you raise a lot of questions that you might be able to avoid with some different phrasing.
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