tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20390398.post2131587880476323692..comments2009-06-19T19:00:08.728-07:00Elektrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14572611303401782446crapometer@gmail.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20390398.post-64608213958262763742009-06-19T19:00:08.728-07:002009-06-19T19:00:08.728-07:00Hi. It&#39;s been quite a while since I poked my head in here; I got busy and forgot how much I like this blog. I don&#39;t know what my opinion is worth, especially as this isn&#39;t my genre, but I&#39;ll offer a few words.<br /><br />I like the chapter. It&#39;s well written, though I think you can do some pruning and move the action along at a more engaging pace, particularly the opening nine paragraphs (they&#39;re fairly bulky).<br />I&#39;ll disagree with Sarah and say that I think you do a good job of showing us the characters&#39; predicaments, and the telling that you use isn&#39;t intrusive but rather helpful to the pace of the story. I agree on the dialogue, well done.<br /><br />That&#39;s about all I have for you, sorry for not being more helpful. Good luck with the rewrites.Wonderwoodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20390398.post-46833094700868067442009-06-19T15:57:30.428-07:002009-06-19T15:57:30.428-07:00I think you&#39;ve got a good start. I like the world you&#39;re creating and I really enjoyed the scene between the king and Ciaran. You&#39;re very good at dialog. <br /><br />Up until that point, though, you are telling a great deal more than you are showing. Even though you start both your characters off in a moment of stress, you also have them alone in static positions: Clara trapped in the dungeon and Ciaran brooding at the window. That means instead of getting to meet these characters in action, we go several hundred words before one of them actually does something to advance the plot (Ciaran going to see the king).<br /><br />Why not start Ciaran actually mingling with all these nobles he hates? Then instead of telling us, you can show us how they taunt him for his past and how Ciaran bears it all out of loyalty to the king. Or give Clara some kind of action - perhaps she tries to take control of the situation by summoning a guard or attempting to pick the lock or something before she gives in to panic. Or take us deeper inside her head - what does she think has happened? A hallucination? Abducted by serial killer?<br /><br />Hope this is helpful!Sarah from Hawthornenoreply@blogger.com