To me this just reads like it was written by a mid...

2009-09-27T13:56:55.541-07:00

To me this just reads like it was written by a middle-schooler. None of the characters act or speak like adults and the entire thing is full of tired cliches. If you're 14, you're right about on schedule and will probably be writing great stuff in a few years. If you're not, well, be aware that your fiction makes it seem that you are.

I agree with the comments posted above. But in ad...

2009-07-20T09:13:44.876-07:00

I agree with the comments posted above.
But in addition there was another sentence which puzzled me, namely:

'She did help those in need. If she left, those who came to help wouldn't find her.'

Did you mean 'those who came to her for help wouldn't find her' perhaps?

Nice work so far.

I'm glad I read through to the end, because I thou...

2009-07-13T17:42:35.585-07:00

I'm glad I read through to the end, because I thought the second half (starting from finx attack) was really very good. The first half is good too, it just needs some editing. You have quite a lot of backstory and repetition before you get to the action. If I may make a suggestion, I would cut that entire conversation down to this:

Azarel walked to the shelf with the pots and dishes. Barely visible behind them, she found the knife with its wooden handle painted red, the one laced with poison, and {opened} the door.

{Outside stood} a young man with thick dark brows and several-day stubble. Behind him was an older man, his small eyes drowning under puffy lids and bags. A scar bisected his face.

The young man's gaze landed on Azarel. His eyes widened slightly, as though surprised to see her. He tipped the leather visor of his fur hat.

Azarel tightened her grip on the knife she held behind her back.

"Are you Azarel?" he said, his words coming out as puffs of white in the cold room.

"I am." Her words sounded strange to her ears, and her throat felt raw, as though from long disuse.

"I'm Shaunn Diamonestesh, and I was sent here by Qin Yacoba, Co-Ruler of Lasaral, Lead Co-Ruler of Frosland, to summon you to cure her sister, Qin Daxia."

The older man inclined his head and glanced at Azarel.

The daylight dimmed for a moment. Dread overwhelmed her, making it hard to think. His gaze carried through the space between them and brought with it his malevolence. Not anger and not hatred. Nothing so passionate. Simply a quiet, calculating malice.

Azarel shuddered.

"Why did you come to find me? You have doctors and priests closer by," she said.

"We've tried everything. Truthfully... you are our last resort. If you do come and succeed, there will be significant compensation." He smiled the kind of smile used to getting its way. Too confident, considering she had yet to give her answer.

The scarred man would kill her, given the chance. Shaunn seemed oblivious to it, and thus would be poor protection.

And too, she wanted to go back to sleep. She wanted to close her eyes and dream again. She didn't remember what those dreams were, but she woke up content. She knew the forgotten dreams were more pleasant than this cold lonely hut.

"I can't come with you."

Shaunn's smile faltered but he forced it back in place. "If you don't come, Daxia will likely die. Her father and brother already died of the same ailment."

Despite his smile, she sensed desperation underneath it, growing now in the face of her resistance. Images flitted through her mind. Old people, young people, children, men, women, all coming to her with that same desperation, begging for her help. If she left, those who came wouldn't find her.

Azarel held his gaze. "I am not coming with you. You can bring her here, that's the best I can do for you."

"Do you jest? We can't bring her here. She's too ill." He sounded outraged. "You leave me no choice but to arrest you. You will help Daxia, like it or no."

His entitlement strengthened {Azarel's} resolve to go nowhere with him. "I am not going."

"I don't want to hurt you," he said and took a step toward her. His hand hovered on the hilt of his sheathed sword.

"And I don't want to hurt you," she said, standing still, knife ready. She meant it. He was young and impulsive, and he only acted this way because he wanted to help the ill Qin. But she didn't pity him enough to come with him.

And then all the rest of the backstory can come later.

Anyway, that's my super long $0.02. I think you're off to a fantastic start.

There's a lot of good here - interesting stuff, te...

2009-07-10T14:36:55.611-07:00

There's a lot of good here - interesting stuff, tension, a steady feed of information. I think it needs some tightening in places and some smoothing in others.

Watch for lines like this one:
The young man pushed his sat on her one rough bench and glanced up.

Major typo here, I believe. If not, I have no idea what this means.

It does have a bit of this happens, then this happens, then this happens and needs some smoothing between those ideas. She seems better drawn then he does, too. He's a bit flat.

Comments on Crapometer: Pages!

To me this just reads like it was written by a mid...

I agree with the comments posted above. But in ad...

I'm glad I read through to the end, because I thou...

There's a lot of good here - interesting stuff, te...