Comments on Crapometer: Query!

Gaah! My query is on Crapometer!!! Dance *Dance...

2009-06-16T18:17:27.265-07:00

Gaah! My query is on Crapometer!!! *Dance* *Dance*

First of all - thank you everyone for taking the time to read this query! I am hoping that it has been posted here because there is something worth salvaging...

Elektra --- In regards to the word "man-crazed", I think I was trying to illustrate a little too much about the Toad character --- I wanted her to seem quirky but I thought the words "sex-crazed" might give off the wrong impression of both the character and the novel as a whole. I can see that "man-crazed" obviously does not work. But to answer your question, yes, the Shade named Toad repeatedly says things like "look at that guy's but". :)

Phoenix --- Thanks for the grammar corrections!

"Mye knows her luck can't get any better" --- this was supposed to be ironic, but obviously it needs to be phrased better if people don't immediately understand.

Melou "recants" because of a series of events that occur that cause him to realize she is not the Carrier he is looking for. What's more than that, Mye finds out that she is next to useless as a magic-wielding gal because of a handicap that causes her to be blind in the Shadow Realm. Clearly this needs better explaining too...

Mye is unwilling to go back to Elesra because she has a history with the city and she knows she will be roped into a snowballing destiny if she returns. It is not so much that she wants to avoid saving the world as she wants to avoid the limelight and live as she chooses.

"Conveniently enough" was supposed to be sarcastic (again), as in Toad had actually contrived the whole "return to Elesra to help hunt out the Carrier".

The woman's fantasy genre thing: I have always kept harlequin's "Luna" line in mind while writing this novel --- it is silly to write a first novel for a specific publishing house, but the books and characters under the Luna label intrigued me, and so did the idea of writing fantasy novels specifically for women.

In regards to "kick-butt" statement --- I agree with everything everyone has said here. I wanted to try and find a unique line that would make a literary agent want to read more (and also cover up my lack of credentials / previous novels), but obvi that is NOT the one. :)

Sarah Laurenson --- Thanks for the "fallen off the wagon" info, and also for confirming in my mind what everybody was saying about the "kick butt" sentence.

K, so I will tighten some loose bolts, and send back the reworked query??? Thanks again, everyone!

"fallen off the wagon" - this is cliche about when...

2009-06-07T19:45:56.256-07:00

"fallen off the wagon" - this is cliche about when someone starts drinking after trying not to. I don't see how it fits here.

Every Elesran knows that magic is nothing more than myth; something that has fizzled away from the face of the Viridan hundreds of years ago, if it ever did exist in the first place. But when Mye finds herself debating the finer points of good and evil over a handful of olives with a Dark Shade named Melou, she’s forced to reconsider her views.

This seems to me like a really good starting place.

to convert magical energy into the Mortal Realm from the Shadow Realm

to convert something makes me think we're turning it into something else not somewhere else.

Most of the fantasy I read has female leads who kick butt - in general. Even the middle grade ones. I don't think this is a good example of why yours sticks out. Sounds rather common to me.

Most kick-butt female leads kick butt in general. ...

2009-06-06T13:52:50.332-07:00

Most kick-butt female leads kick butt in general. IME it seems that attempts to explain the book's "standout" points almost never go over well, so just drop it.

This query leaves me with no real grounding as to ...

2009-06-06T11:28:07.896-07:00

This query leaves me with no real grounding as to who Mye is and what she wants. That may be in my interpretation of what's presented here, but if I'm having trouble parsing this out, perhaps others will, too.

"Man-crazed" has already been mentioned as not making sense to the casual reader.

Semicolons -
* The one before "wraith-like" s/b a colon
* The one after "myth" could be either a comma or a dash

Delete "in the first place"

Mye knows her luck can't get any better - is this supposed to be ironic? Or does she really want to be the Carrier and bringer of destruction? I can't determine the tone.

But thanks to Melou - Melou tells her she's the "it" girl, then recants? I'm not following this.

Mye finds out - If she didn't think magic ever existed and someone tells her she doesn't have magic, how is this finding out she doesn't have it, and why does it deserve special attention that she's a magical cripple since there's been no indication she had talent to begin with?

Conveniently enough is always a red flag. It sends the message, "I couldn't think of another way to get all these characters together, so coincidentally and for no real logical reason..."

Also, that sentence is from Toad's POV rather than from Mye's like the rest of the query.

If Mye is a kick-butt kind of gal, what kind of blackmail is needed to convince her to save her world? Why is she unwilling?

Or does she really want to be the Carrier and help Melou wipe out Veridan, and that's why she's unwilling to help Toad prevent that? Is Toad the actual hero here?

But no, you say it's women's fantasy, so Mye must really be the pivotal character. Yet her motivations elude me as she's presented in this query.

There are a few niche publishers who publish only fantasy with strong female leads. Still, I'm not sure "women's fantasy" is a market-driven genre.

The "kicking butt" statement bothers me for two reasons:
1) I don't think too many authors with strong, kickass females would agree that their gals are kickass "for a girl", so you seem to be disparaging a very large body of work and that's never a good thing to do in a query.
2) The query doesn't demonstrate ANY kick-buttedness about Mye at all. She seems, in the query, to be nothing but a pawn. Let's see some of that attitude reflected in her motivations and her actions in the query.

Best of luck!

Huh. I totally glossed over man-crazed when I read...

2009-06-06T07:51:03.214-07:00

Huh. I totally glossed over man-crazed when I read it. Had to go back and see where it was. I'm guessing my mind said 'huh?' and tossed it.

This is really close. Really close. I have a few nits, but no time at the moment. Soon...

I'm a bit confused by the word "man-crazed" in the...

2009-06-06T04:07:34.971-07:00

I'm a bit confused by the word "man-crazed" in the first sentence. Does the voice of some Shade named Toad keep saying things like "look at that guy's butt"?