Comments on Crapometer: Query

I have a bit of a problem with this sentence: 'As...

2009-07-20T09:20:34.735-07:00

I have a bit of a problem with this sentence:

'As her mangled body lies on the cold floor of a frat room, she looks around and wonders why the attack has stopped.'

The inference is that this incident is pivotal in her story, but does the novel seek to explain what happened and why?

Start with "When Whitney is beaten nearly to death...

2009-06-23T13:08:05.688-07:00

Start with "When Whitney is beaten nearly to death in her dorm room..." and go from there.

This seems more like a dry recital of events. Your...

2009-06-22T21:29:13.695-07:00

This seems more like a dry recital of events. Your voice isn't really evident. I know that's one of the hardest things to get into a query.

I think there are too many words before you get to the catalyst action. The whole part of her background as an abused southern belle can be summed up in one sentence, maybe two.

You might want to maintain one tense throughout. You start with 'has left' and then move on to 'is' in the next sentence and then later on you have 'changed'.

Wes takes her mangled body home? How about to a hospital with police called to investigate. Seems a major flaw in your story logic here. Might not be a flaw in the book, but the query has it.

What's her fate? I don't see that explained here or why she's fated to experience it - whatever it is.

Careful about the cliches. Got quite a few in this, especially in the last two paragraphs.

What's the title of your novel? That should go with the word count.