Comments on Crapometer: Query!

Re: obstacle to jumping into bed togetherSimon com...

2009-01-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

Re: obstacle to jumping into bed together

Simon comes from a time when women were assumed to be delicate, childlike, and irresponsible. Joan is self-reliant, competent, and tough- an adult deserving of respect in her own right. Wouldn't they offend each other at every turn?

That seems like a BIG obstacle to Joan and Simon developing/acting on feelings for each other.

Nope, it's good to hear from many perspectives! Th...

2009-01-19T14:53:00.000-08:00

Nope, it's good to hear from many perspectives!

There *is* a little conflict about the means of dealing with Reynell, but most of what keeps Simon and Joan apart is that he has Edwardian Gentleman instincts and she's trying to keep things professional. I'll try and figure out a good line about that. ;)

What Joan has to offer: well, Simon can't go in himself, because Reynell already dislikes/distrusts him *and* knows he's a magician. So if Joan plays up the "hey, I'm a cute girl who knows nothing about this" she could get far enough inside his guard to do some damage, at least in theory. Maybe extend an earlier line so it's "A beautiful stranger might get close enough to Reynell to do what Simon can't."

Thanks!

Hi Isabel,I really like the second version! It's ...

2009-01-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

Hi Isabel,

I really like the second version! It's more concise and specific. I got just two more questions:

You haven't really explained what's keeping Joan and Simon apart. From your first draft, I'd assumed that there would be key differences in their personalities and/or plans of action - he thinks there's still time to turn Reynell from the dark side, she's planning the cold blooded murder of his friend. But now that they've got the same goal, I don't see the conflict anymore.

Also, you talk about what Simon has to offer Joan, but not what Joan has to offer Simon. If Simon's already psyched to take revenge, there's no reason for Joan to be from the future. If they're planning to trick Reynell, there's no reason for her to be a seasoned warrior.

br makes some good points, but I disagree on one thing - I don't think you should explain how Joan travels back. If you were writing a longer synopsis or a formal pitch maybe, but there's just not room in a query letter to spell out the mechanics of your world. I think you should keep the focus on the emotional hook: Joan and Simon's relationship.

Hope my conflicting advice isn't too unhelpful. :-}

Sarah

:quote:And what happened, basically, was that huma...

2009-01-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

:quote:
And what happened, basically, was that humanity was losing in her time. Maybe "As humanity falls before the Forces of Darkness, Joan comes back..." blah blah?
:end quote:

I was kinda thinking that maybe the first sentence could maybe explain what the trigger event is that causes Joan to travel back in time, and the mechanism that she uses to do that (like a time machine or an evil spell?).
That is, perhaps be more specific?

As a bad example, maybe something in the line of, which isn't your story of course, like maybe:
"Joan, the warrior queen of the last tribe of humanity in a post-apocalyptic Earth, finally succeeds in killing the Dark Lord, but not before his mutant minions are slaughtering the last remnants of civilization. But she discovers in his evil book of curses a spell that can send her back in time to Victorian England, where she can . . . etc."

Well, maybe that's too much detail, perhaps. And my example don't sound too good. :(

Maybe this post of mine ain't all that helpful. Oh, well. Woe is me. Maybe I better get back to my wip. :)

Hm. Good points. Will work on the sentence structu...

2009-01-16T17:18:00.000-08:00

Hm. Good points. Will work on the sentence structure thing there. The romance novel blurbs I've seen do tend to switch between the man's POV and the woman's more, so I'm not sure how much I should diverge.But will think about that.

Joan's world is far-future, yeah, but also post-apocalyptic, and they've lost a lot of stuff. May switch in "Victorian England is far more complicated than the wasted Earth of her time. If she wants to reach her target, there are a million rules she'll need to learn" or similar, if that gets the situation across.

And what happened, basically, was that humanity was losing in her time. Maybe "As humanity falls before the Forces of Darkness, Joan comes back..." blah blah?

These are very helpful. Thanks!

A couple of quick comments . . . :)-- It sort of s...

2009-01-16T16:13:00.000-08:00

A couple of quick comments . . . :)

-- It sort of starts off with Joan, but the middle and ending seems to have centered around Simon. For instance, near the end there are "All he has to do" and "Simon finds."

-- Transitions between the sentences seem a bit rough. For instance, in the first paragraph, the "Victorian England" seemed to come out of nowhere. Perhaps the 2nd and 3rd sentences could be tweaked together so that the reader sees that Joan has gone back in time to Victorian England.

-- And how is Victorian England more complicated than Joan's time (which is in the far future)? And what did Joan's people have to do with this time traveling trip? (I was assuming that Joan was doing all this on her own.)

-- And what is meant by "Reynell is much better guarded"? Is he better guarded in Victorian England than he was in the future? Was he in the future also?

General comments:
-- Perhaps show the stuff from the limited perspective of Joan's (her pov).

-- I'm guessing something unique happened that caused Joan to finally take that big risk (why was it risky? else she would've done it earlier, no?) of traveling back in time to Victorian England to kill Reynell or to stop him from writing that evil book.
And then something happens that makes Joan realize that, although she is a kickass warrioress, she doesn't have the power to stop Reynell.
And then somehow she meets Simon, and for some reason, she confides with him, and for some reason, Simon offers to help her, and for some reason, she trusts him (or does she?).
etc.
(And, yeah, all this stuff gotta somehow fit on half a page or so.)

I hope some of my rambling comments will be helpful to you. :)

Good luck.

Okay, tried re-writing this thing to be more Joan-...

2009-01-16T15:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, tried re-writing this thing to be more Joan-centric. Here's my shot:

Joan's spent her life fighting a losing war against the horrible Things from Outside, summoned long ago with a book of dark magic. Now she's come back through time to destroy the book and keep its author, the dark sorcerer Alex Reynell, from writing more. But the world of Victorian England is much more complicated than her people imagined, and Reynell is much better guarded. Joan needs help. She finds it in Simon Grenville, Reynell's former friend and one of the people he's wronged most.

Reynell betrayed Simon's friendship in the worst way: involving Simon's younger sister in his evil magic. But the law will laugh Simon out of court, and Reynell's magic is as great as his own. A beautiful woman might go where Simon can't. All he has to do is teach Joan how to fit into society.

As the lessons progress, though, Simon finds that Joan is as enticing as she is alien, and she's more drawn to him with every day that passes. As they fight to save the future of the world, they discover that their future may lie with each other.

br drager: Good stuff! Thanks! I'll see if I can t...

2009-01-15T19:52:00.000-08:00

br drager: Good stuff! Thanks! I'll see if I can take a shot at revising this around Joan, since female-oriented blurbs seem to be the norm among the romance novels on my shelf.

I've never been sure about the "and tell us a little about yourself" thing in the query letter. Based on stuff here, I'm thinking I'll take out everything but the publication creds.

I got some nitpicks . . . :)-- The query seemed pe...

2009-01-15T16:48:00.000-08:00

I got some nitpicks . . . :)

-- The query seemed perhaps a bit long for one page, though perhaps it does physically fit. Perhaps it could be tightened a bit so that there could be more white space to make the reading easier and the appearance cleaner.

-- I noticed the dash in the first sentence, and thought it kinda unusual.

-- Repetition on the adverb "recently" in the first 2 paragraphs. As another critter mentioned, perhaps delete the first occurrence.

-- In the main body of the query, I noticed three uses of the colon, which sorta is more associated with formal writing. imo.

-- Cliches, maybe too many, some of which were "shattered world," "fighting a losing war," "unspeakable horrors," "last, desperate act." Some are probably all right, but perhaps some could be replaced with your own original descriptive phrases.

-- The leading sentences of the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs start out with a static use of "is" : where the verb expresses a state of being or quietly links a noun with an adjective. ("Simon Grenville is a Victorian gentleman . . ."; "Joan is a hardened warrior . . .") Perhaps the sentences could be tweaked to be more dynamic.

-- There might be a tendency in there to reuse previously used phrases, or words, close to each other (repetition). I noticed a bit of this within the first 3 paragraphs; perhaps some are intentional, but perhaps some of them could be tweaked out.

-- Perhaps the first two sentences in the 2nd paragraph could be tightened and combined into one sentence. (Perhaps something somewhat like . . .)
ORIG: Simon Grenville is a Victorian gentleman: educated, refined, and elegant, with an interest in the occult. Until very recently, he shared this interest with his closest friend, Alex Reynell.
NEW: Simon Grenville, a Victorian gentleman, shares his interest in the occult with his closest friend, Alex Reynell.

In the new version, I've deleted the descriptive phrase "educated, refined, and elegant" because that is somewhat assumed by the connotation of "Victorian gentleman." imo.

And I've removed a static use of "is." And a usage of "very."

And I was wondering as to what caused Reynell to wander on to the "darker path"? (That is, how did Grenville's sharing of his interest with Reynell lead to whatever happens in the next sentence?)

-- Not sure if you should mention that you're an assistant editor. That could be a double-edged sword, imo. :)

-- Perhaps delete the name of the city where you are living, as that probably wouldn't interest the query reader.

-- Perhaps delete the mentioning of your B.A. in English literature, since the having or not having of that probably won't affect the query reader. (And actually, it might increase the height of the bar for you, as the query reader might now become less forgiving of little "typos.") Usually, the query reader wants to be dazzled by the quality of the prose in the sample pages, imo.

General comments:
-- You have three main characters mentioned, but I'm not sure whose story this is. Although you might have more than one pov character in this novel, perhaps select the main one and tweak the query around that character. The query perhaps could show, from his (or her) perspective, his problem, why it is an important problem to him, what he tries to do to solve it, and how that leads to the next obstacle.

-- The transitions from sentence to sentence, and from paragraph to paragraph could perhaps be strengthened. For instance, in the 2nd paragraph, I don't see what caused Reynell to take a darker path, or what caused the mysterious woman (Joan?) to cross Grenville's path, or why the woman tells a tale to Grenville.
Then the 3rd paragraph starts out with "Joan," and I'm not sure if she is that "mysterious woman."

Hope some of my comments will help you out. :)

Hee! Thanks, Sarah!Good questions. Reynell had bas...

2009-01-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

Hee! Thanks, Sarah!

Good questions. Reynell had basically been going bad for a while, and eventually messed with Simon's younger sister: she trusted him because he was her brother's friend, and he ended up having her possessed by a demon. Simon found out and managed to exorcise the thing, but...yeah, Issues there.

As far as Joan's concerned, I was thinking that she'd need a way to get into Reynell's townhouse and get the book. He's a magician, so he has wards up, guardians, etc, and they'll freak out at anyone who isn't invited.

Now to get that all in there without making the whole thing too long. ;)

Victorian gentleman + bad ass fighter chick from f...

2009-01-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

Victorian gentleman + bad ass fighter chick from future = AWESOME SET UP. I hope you post pages from this. Based on the characters alone I would love to read it.

But it seems like you're missing a key plot point in the query: Why would a proper Victorian gentleman help a total stranger deceive and destroy his closest friend? For that matter, why would a highly trained, experienced fighter even need seduction to kill Reynell? Surely Victorian England would be a walk in the park for someone who battles baddies in a post apocalyptic future.

Presumably this is where the internal conflict comes from but it would be helpful to have some idea what pushes them both into this situation, especially since the whole book hangs on this premise.

Good luck!

Anon: All three of the named magazines were pro or...

2009-01-14T06:27:00.000-08:00

Anon: All three of the named magazines were pro or semi-pro paying stuff and, I was given to understand, pretty selective. Dawnsky has gone out of print now, sadly, so I was uncertain whether I should list it or not.

Copied from Miss Snark:Generally, when someone tel...

2009-01-14T02:40:00.000-08:00

Copied from Miss Snark:

Generally, when someone tells me about a publication credit, I google it if I haven't heard of the thing. I look at their submission guidelines. If it's clear they are selective, it "counts". If it's just the in-house website of IWannaGetPublished.comma then, not so much.

But again, good writing trumps all.

Phoenix: Drat. I was going from the Cyndi Lauper s...

2009-01-09T06:11:00.000-08:00

Phoenix: Drat. I was going from the Cyndi Lauper song, but I should've expected there'd be something out there with the title. Hm. Must ponder this one a bit.

Sasha: Excellent tips--thanks!

I've been describing it to my friends as "My Fair Lady" meets "Terminator": the premise started out from joking around, but the novel didn't end up being comic per se, though it is pretty much brain-candy. I'll try and figure out how to get that across.

In the first paragraph, I would cut "recently comp...

2009-01-08T18:51:00.000-08:00

In the first paragraph, I would cut "recently completed," because "recent" is perhaps a bad thing, and it's assumed that the novel is completed. I would also round the word count to 100,000. It's a rough estimate anyway.

In the second paragraph, I would cut "elegant" because it doesn't add anything to the description. The stinger "interest in the occult" is great though :).

In the third paragraph, I would change "hardened warrior" because it sounds cliche. "Shattered" is too vague a description- would another word give a more specific, memorable picture? Cut "whole" in "whole life." "Unspeakable" is a problem for the same reason that "shattered" is. "Last, desperate act" also sound cliche. "Deal with its author" sounds like an out-of-place mob euphemism.

So, it's a remake of My Fair Lady? That sounds like an interesting premise! But from this query, I don't really get the tone of the novel- is it at all comic? Also, I would combine/trim the second and third paragraphs. Two para. of story set up with only one para. of hook seems top-heavy to me.

But this letter is very polished and literate, your credentials paragraph sounds great, and like I said, I love the premise :)

Hi author: Haven't read the query yet, but saw thi...

2009-01-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

Hi author: Haven't read the query yet, but saw this through my reader and wanted to quickly mention that there is a novel and a movie based on that novel that are both titled Time After Time. Paranormal, time-traveling romance, with a Victorian gentleman MC by the name of H.G. Wells. Though your novel is nothing like that one, I'm sure, and you can't copyright a title, you might want to rethink your name.

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