Comments on Crapometer: Pages!

Heyya Phoenix, long time no chat!:)Just dropping i...

2009-04-08T15:31:00.000-07:00

Heyya Phoenix, long time no chat!

:)

Just dropping in to say hi. No time for crit, but I did read a couple of graphs and my assessment agrees with Phoenix's. Kudos, Author, for putting your stuff out there. Good luck!

你需要室內設計嗎？請找極舍！他有幫這一家香舖做裝潢，香舖的網站設計都找誰做呀連SEO也做了說！你的...

2009-04-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

你需要室內設計嗎？請找極舍！他有幫這一家香舖做裝潢，香舖的網站設計都找誰做呀
連SEO也做了說！你的室內設計接了一堆也太累了吧我的媽耶！最近朋友家裡有人結婚不知道需不需要婚禮錄影嗎？ISEE這一家好像不錯耶！
奧羅拉風格的宜蘭民宿在那裡渡蜜月應該很清閒，京觀廣告設計公司所設計出來
婚禮禮盒的東西真的很棒！婚禮現場也有人拿加油棒替新人加油
，會場現場照明燈也很美，新郎新娘的胸章美美的
，連禮車的車燈都是LED白光的從南港搬家到桃園，新家需要室內設計嗎？找這家準沒錯
這家室內設計做的不錯！室內設計的十種方法
他們都有，室內設計的道理他們也知，
老婆就不會和別的男人偷偷去汽車旅館，
房屋還需要二胎？
你家需要來照明嗎？
LED是未來主流的商品你知道嗎！
LED省電又環保，真想買一個來試試，我的公司服務的項目有保健食品代工,素食膠囊

你需要減肥嗎？快運動吧！
室內設計也包含空間設計！
租屋網刊登免費不用錢
清境農場內的羊很可愛！中古車其實性能還是不錯的
室內設計要找哪家比較好呀！
a383的網站在哪？
a383你知道網址在哪嗎？
二手家具又便宜又好用
文山搬家公司的服務電話
好的搬家公司介紹你
健身對身體很好的
好喝的茶葉哪買呀！
A片好多妹妹能看
SEO排名不好玩= =
何謂SEO排名呢？
SEO怎麼排比較快上！不告訴你啦
優良搬家公司請找黃頁來看
搬家公司怎麼選擇比較好
台北搬家公司哪間較好？台北搬家公司的搬家流程
台北搬家公司,台北搬家公司
客人來做耶！
這家的情趣用品款式多樣！
情趣用品包裝隱密
你需要情趣用品輔助嗎？
情趣用品好好用！
情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,,台中搬家公司,A片,台北市搬家公司,台北縣搬家公司,
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情趣,
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情趣世界好多人做= =
簡轉繁工具很好用！
徵信社服務優良,絕不亂搞！
貨運公司搬貨都有固定價格泡菜好吃耶
統一發票對獎每月26號要對獎的
室內設計公司光慧這家不錯唷！
隔熱紙用了就熱了唷！
室內設計公司通常都把家設計的很美！
led手電筒照明超光亮的
二手棧板哪買？
a383來看看唷！
搬家服務地區如下：大安區搬家,松山搬家,中山區搬家,八里搬家,五股搬家,
泰山搬家,大同區搬家,中正區搬家,士林搬家,萬華搬家,下雨時
撐雨傘,這裡有一把優良的雨傘讓你的,制服不會被淋濕唷！制服乾乾淨淨的才是好寶寶！SEO　
　
這一家的二手車的性能很好

Ditto to what Phoenix and Sarah L said, especially...

2009-03-31T11:53:00.000-07:00

Ditto to what Phoenix and Sarah L said, especially about everything being fixable. I just have one other comment.

A huge chunk of this is one story beat: Belle following Kennath. Until he disappears in the dead end alley, there's no real surprises or reversals. If I were you, I would either start the story right as Kennath heads down the alley, or use that space drop hints as to why Belle is chasing this guy with a knife.

In 19 paragraphs the only detail you give us about Kennath is that he's a nobleman. A description of him and the way he interacts with others - filtered through Belle's eyes - would say a lot.

桃園搬家的搬家流程台北搬家的搬家流程石門搬家,三芝搬家,八里搬家,林口搬家,五股搬家,蘆洲搬家,,泰...

2009-03-30T02:38:00.000-07:00

桃園搬家的搬家流程
台北搬家的搬家流程
石門搬家,三芝搬家,八里搬家,林口搬家,五股搬家,蘆洲搬家,,泰山搬家,新莊搬家,鶯歌搬家,樹林搬家,板橋搬家,土城搬家,三峽搬家,烏來搬家,石碇搬家,深坑搬家,汐止搬家,萬里搬家,金山搬家,平溪搬家,雙溪搬家,貢寮搬家,桃園搬家,新屋搬家,淡水搬家,中和搬家,永和搬家,三重搬家,新店搬家

真煩

Thanks for the critique guys, it was really helpfu...

2009-03-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the critique guys, it was really helpful. Yeah I do use the same sentence structure a lot and do a lot of telling and not showing. This needs a big time edit. And sorry for the typos, I guess I should have looked it over before posting, sorry guys.

Thanks

Ditto what Phoenix said. I kept losing interest be...

2009-03-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

Ditto what Phoenix said. I kept losing interest because of the style.

You've got a strong concept here with the lone woman being out of place and intently watching for someone and then at the end he is staring at her.

Look for small typos like weapons grip - needs an apostrophe. (And can she really be thinking a knife is such a great weapon? Makes me think her opponent is fairly meek or she's an idiot - perhaps blinded by her vengeance seeking.)

yet still h had not come - needs an e.

Hi author:Two big but fixable issues stood out for...

2009-03-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

Hi author:

Two big but fixable issues stood out for me in this excerpt.

Telling not showing - "Belle was ...", "she felt ...", "She was terrified...", "She heard...", "She realized..." - you can get away with this every once in a while, but I'm afraid you have it in this excerpt to such an extent that the passion you hope is shining through is instead drowning in unimpassioned narrative.

Sentence construction - Look at your last 8 paragraphs. Count the total number of sentences. Now count how many of them begin with "She," "Belle" or "Her." Yeah. Actually, a large portion of this excerpt has that fairly monotonous structure. And what it does for me is really spotlight the heavy telling throughout.

All in all, I'm afraid I'm a bit distanced from Belle and the action. I wanted to be involved in the story and get wrapped up in Belle's plight. I really did. But the writing simply didn't grab me in that way.

So my advice is to vary your sentence structure and make the reader a part of the action rather than a passive listener to a journalistic account. And check some of your word choices. The spot lended her view of the main exit from the castle, but hid her from the castle’s view, for instance, isn't saying what you're meaning it to.

Good luck!