OK. This is about half the words (my suggestion fo...

2009-02-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

OK. This is about half the words (my suggestion for cutting this down). I still think it can be tighter, but I always think that.

FREDERICA (Freddy) used to think pop quizzes were the worst blight that could trouble her young life, but the day before her sweet sixteen she’s nearly trampled by a hottie on a horse- in the middle of a sidewalk in Southern California.
The horse’s rider, POLYDEGMON (Deg), is so handsome it makes her teeth hurt. But Deg’s no ordinary cute boy. He’s the eldest son of Hades and Persephone and Heir to the Greco-Roman Underworld, and he’s in SoCal to catch up with his sister’s kidnapper: CERNUNNOS, Leader of the Wild Hunt. Freddy’s sleepy town is the next stop for the Wild Hunt on their ride of mischief and mayhem, and Deg intends to make Cernunnos return KORE no matter what.
The night of the Hunt’s arrival, Deg infiltrates their camp but finds no sign of Kore. The Hunt’s hideous hell dogs reveal him as an intruder, and the Wild Hunt gives chase. Two impossibly ugly dogs drag Deg into the trees around Freddy’s house. She mentally shakes herself, bottles up her terror, and runs to Deg’s rescue. She brings him to the safety of her house, and wakes up her dad, COLIN, who’s an EMT, to tend Deg’s injuries. Colin knows who Deg is, and he wants the Olympian to stay away from his daughter. He forbids Freddy from ever seeing Deg again.
Freddy sneaks out to find Deg, but she’s nearly caught by two members of the Wild Hunt. She wishes she’d never gotten out of bed, never met Deg, and all the time she’s hoping these nightmare creatures out of hell won’t see her huddled in the brush by the road. The two huntsmen pass by without finding her. She’s more determined than ever to make Deg tell her what the heck is happening.
Deg catches up to her near the Wild Hunt’s camp and tries to bodily carry her back home. While they argue, the Huntsmen surround and capture them. Cernunnos lets Deg go free to carry a message back to Hades. Deg sidetracks to Freddy’s house. He and Colin return to the lair of the Wild Hunt to try and get Freddy back, but fail. Cernunnos forces Freddy to trade herself for Deg and Colin’s safety. Cernunnos takes Freddy to the Otherworld, while Deg and Colin limp home to lick their wounds.
In the Otherworld, it becomes clear to Freddy that Kore and Cernunnos are lovers. Cernunnos informs Freddy that he needs her to marry Hades’ son, and thereby seal a peace between Cernunnos’ people and the Olympian gods. Freddy, confused, asks Cernunnos who he really is.
He tells her, “I am your father,” then leaves.
All of Freddy’s thoughts are swirling too fast to make sense of them. Before too long it’s time to meet her future father-in-law: Hades. Just when Freddy thinks she can’t wrap her brain around anymore weirdness though, she sees Deg coming to dinner at Cernunnos’ lair just as if the Lord of the Hunt wasn’t a murdering evil kidnapper nut job.
Dinner gets better when Cernunnos introduces Freddy to his wife, MORRIGAN. Morrígan’s not fond of her husband, but she’s even less fond of Freddy, his “half-blooded, bastard spawn.” After the dessert course she tries to strangle Freddy. Cernunnos decides to separate his irate wife and his defenseless daughter. After a ceremony officially betrothing Freddy to Deg’s brother, CLYMENUS, she’s sent home to the Underworld with Hades. And Deg.
Freddy contemplates escape. If she tries though, Cernunnos will kill her parents, Morrígan will torture her beyond her worst imaginings, the truce will be violated, and the pantheons will go to war. The whole house of gods will go down. Deg offers to intervene, but Freddy realizes she’s better off wed than dead, and better off wed than starting a war.
In the days leading up to her wedding, Freddy does her best to make her new life in the Land of the Dead work, but her feelings for Deg linger on. The night before the wedding Deg comes to show her what the ceremony will be like. The play-acting becomes more real than a mere recital. Clymenus walks in and catches them kissing. The wedding’s still on, but he makes Freddy promise to stay away from Deg.
The wedding ceremony goes off almost perfectly, and the newlyweds retire to their bedroom. Freddy knows she isn’t ready to sleep with Clymenus. He insists, slaps her and ties her to the bed with his wedding tunic. Freddy gets a hand free. She’s busy pummeling him to a pulp when Deg comes charging in to rescue her.
Deg refuses to leave Freddy in the Underworld to live with his brother. After a trek across the Elysian Fields, a face-off with Cerberus, and a trip in Charon’s ferry, they get to her house and discover Morrígan came during the night and tricked Colin into leaving with her to “save” Freddy. Deg, Freddy and her mother infiltrate the Otherworld and set a fire as distraction to cover their escape. Deg seizes this opportunity to rescue his sister Kore.
With Morrígan, Cernunnos and their respective minions giving chase, Freddy’s group discover a country club, large enough to hide in and already empty for the night. With Morrígan’s party tearing the country club apart and Cernunnos’ people camped across the golf course, Deg persuades Freddy to coax Cernunnos into helping them. Freddy makes contact with Cernunnos who, it turns out, is only there to get Kore back.
Meanwhile, Colin slips into battle frenzy. He gains the strength of ten men and becomes impervious to all but the most grievous of wounds. He also loses the ability to tell friend from foe. Just as Freddy and Cernunnos are about to catch up with them, Colin goes after Deg and chases him through the country club. Freddy gives chase and catches up with her men just as Colin is choking the life out of Deg in the club’s gym. Without pausing for thought, she knocks all of them through the window and into the pool.
The water cures Colin’s battle frenzy. Morrígan catches up with them and attempts to reclaim Colin. He rears up and chokes her. She attempts to stab him. Freddy, Deg and Kore jump in to help. In the ensuing chaos, Kore knifes Morrígan in the back, then they topple together into the pool. Just when Freddy and Deg are about to dive in after Kore, she emerges. Her hair has gone white, and all of Morrígan’s people bow and swear allegiance to Kore, Cernunnos’ new queen.
After the dust has settled, Freddy and Deg discuss their relationship. Deg tells her, “Frederica, I have crossed the rivers of the Underworld, battled the three-headed hound of Hades, bribed the ferryman of the Underworld, faced off against a war goddess and her entire unwholesome host, wrestled the mighty Cúchulainn to see you safe and happy. You have come to mean very much to me.” And then he apologizes for forgetting her birthday present.
“Deg, you and me together, that’s present enough for anybody.” They kiss and ride off into the sunset together on his horse for their second date.

From that Beth Anderson's post on writing a tight ...

2009-02-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

From that Beth Anderson's post on writing a tight synopsis is the following excerpt:

"Simply put, the purpose of the synopsis, to the acquisition editor, is to determine whether or not you have a solid plot, and whether or not it’s something they might want to take a look at. That’s it."

Her post has lots of good stuff in it, imo.

Good luck.

er . . . I'm thinking that perhaps you're trying t...

2009-02-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

er . . . I'm thinking that perhaps you're trying to sell the wrong thing in that synopsis submission. It sounds like you are trying to sell your voice, while, imo, you perhaps ought to be, instead, trying to sell your story plot.

I would like to suggest an interesting and easy to read post by Beth Anderson:
http://www.bethanderson-hotclue.com/workshops/writing-the-tight-synopsis/

Good luck. :)

I remember this from EE's blog. Very funny, very ...

2009-02-05T18:02:00.000-08:00

I remember this from EE's blog. Very funny, very cute.

Seems that the problem here is you are giving us a scene by scene break down in far too much detail. You need to step back a level and keep the action moving. For example, here's a cut down of your third through fifth paragraph:

The night of the Hunt’s arrival, Deg infiltrates their camp but can find no sign of Kore before the Hunt’s hell dogs reveal him as an intruder. Wounded in the ensuing chase, Deg runs to Freddy for help.

All Freddy sees is two impossibly ugly dogs dragging Deg into the trees around her house. She shakes off her initial terror, taps her inner Xena, and drives the dogs off. She wakes up her dad, COLIN, who sends Freddy to bed before confronting Deg. Colin knows who Deg is, and he wants the Olympian to stay away from his daughter. He patches Deg up and throws him out. The next day Colin forbids Freddy from ever seeing Deg again without explaining why.

Which is great, just great.

Angry, frustrated, and scared, Freddy wants answers and she knows the place to get them: Deg. That night she sneaks out to find him.

There you go. That's 300 words turned into 150.

On an unrelated note, one thing really jumped out at me. Your voice is quite light hearted - until then suddenly the story veers into domestic violence what with the slapping and the attempted rape and the calling people whores. I'm not saying Freddy can't be in peril (and good for her for saving herself!) but that's a pretty dramatic shift in tone which jarred me out of the story.

Hope that's helpful!

Author here:Yes, I'm always too wordy. Please, sug...

2009-02-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

Author here:

Yes, I'm always too wordy. Please, suggestions for cuts will be most welcome!

Wow! 7 pages is really long for a synopsis. How ma...

2009-02-05T08:30:00.000-08:00