Comments on Crapometer: Query

Thanks, Sarah! That's certainly good to hear. I ha...

2009-01-31T12:41:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Sarah! That's certainly good to hear.
I haven't started sending it out yet, unfortunately. I'm waiting to hear back from my critique partners. And I've been toying with the idea of starting the second book before I send the first book out.

-London

Overall, this is quite good. A few tweaks here and...

2009-01-31T08:32:00.000-08:00

Overall, this is quite good. A few tweaks here and there - those have already been mentioned.

Have you sent this out yet? Gotten a response?

Thanks, McKoala! Those are all great points. -Lond...

2009-01-28T04:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks, McKoala! Those are all great points.

-London (the author :) )

This reads well. I thought there was a bit much ab...

2009-01-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

This reads well. I thought there was a bit much about Melantha in that third para as well, she seems to disappear so I'm guessing she's just part of the set up. I really like most of the first and second para, I think I'd like a hint of life in the sect and how it affects Cora - why she's there (if it's simple rather than multiple paragraphs), daily life, the pressures and her feelings about it. Does she plan to escape? How? Or is it just revenge?

By para 4 I was slightly frustrated not to know what the Gift was. I'm guessing it's something unexpected but now I want to know what. What does the Imperator collect - people? I like the 'fragile goddess', but it's tantalising. I think I'd like more info there.

I think your closing is good.

Thanks Isabel! I completely agree. I will definite...

2009-01-27T16:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks Isabel! I completely agree. I will definitely make those changes.

-London

Not bad! A couple comments:1) "Religious sect" doe...

2009-01-27T13:01:00.000-08:00

Not bad! A couple comments:

1) "Religious sect" doesn't really do it for me. "Sisterhood" or "Order" or something similar would be better, I think.

2) It seems like the second half of your query is the main part of the story, but it's only one paragraph. I'd condense the two paragraphs about Melantha and Cora's attitude into a couple sentences: "she decides to steal it--after all, she hates religious life and those who drew her into it. Cora never expects the head of the sect to *ask* her to take the Gift and guard it with her life."